Regrets and Re-callings. And blessings.

She was silent for a while, waiting for the moment to pass away so that she could talk to herself with no distraction, blame herself with no distraction, degrade herself.. pity herself.. And so it all began with thoughts, coming one after another, as if prepared in a line to be given food. At first, she tried to rationalize them to secure her ego, but in the end it happened what always happened. She cried.. "Why me?" The reason for her pain was not she doing nothing, it was surrounding and the people she knew, who started along with her who caused pain. They all were stepping ahead, progressing one after another, and she was stepping behind, becoming more solitary than ever, more weaker than ever. "Why God why?" It was the height of confusion as to rather thank God or to blame him? She was even confused in taking small steps, too unstable her being had become. It was as if she was cutting everything from her "things to do" list as the days were passing. She was too fearful, too nervy. Whenever she read Rumi or Iqbal, she would cry over her misery and inability to say what came to her mind, she was even scared to think of whatever came to her mind. She wanted sometimes to accept it, to surrender herself, and to love her little being and little blessings bestowed upon her. But sometimes she wanted to cry over her curse, over her inability. She wanted to scream whole of her pain out, she wanted to shout "Why me why me" as loud as she could. But she didn't. She was just tired, tired of the spell. She wanted to break the chains as she was at the height of confusion regarding her ups and downs, her highs and lows. But the point really to ponder was just that: Why she?
(Dated: Nov, 9th, 2012)

A chance.

She was just so contented over the simple reality that she was breathing, that she was looking at the beauty life offered, The beauty that would make her cry, that would make her sing with the strings of her heart. She just couldn't let herself be grief stricken--- And how could she? She had a sky above her, a sea to wander about, to flow away with its waves, a sunset to view everyday, a sun to hope for every night. She had forests yet to explore, she had guitar yet to learn, she had secrets of her heart yet to unfold... How could she be sad when she had God with her, her God within her heart, she found Him, she called for Him and realized that there He was, in the midst of her very being, with her all the time. The simple beauty of life wouldn't let her loose hope, It always gave her a chance to take a chance. And what life else than a chance was? She always took a chance, and she was always blessed with a one.
(Old One, Dated: Nov, 10, 2012)

The Glorious Past

(in the memory of your love, Papa)
Happened when nostalgia knocked on my door...
7/13/2014

Of distant meadows and golden shines,
Of us laughing and I being held high.
Of sweetness from my childhood:
When i was with you.

You were there with us,
And they were nice.
When you smiled,
And we felt safe.

Its like a treasure now,
Those times, the memories so pure.
I feel like saying,
Don't---
Don't go away!
But you are gone:
They are not nice anymore,
'Cause you don't smile anymore,
We don't feel safe anymore.

Lately, I woke up in the middle of no where,
Craving for your love.
It seems centuries since I have been hugged,
It seems ages since I have been complete.

Things cannot be changed,
But what if a few?
Of the glorious past,
What if I could go?
Go back and remove,
That single deep hole,
That changed me and you.

Or what if I could further go,
Go back and remove?
Times when we were born,
In Summer haze and thunder storms.

But then, the realization strikes,
You are gone, and far gone:
All glorious and golden,
With me left with sweet nectar,
Of our only treasure:
Your golden memories,
From the Glorious Past.